you had to know it was coming.
I really love the little moments that force me to close my eyes. Take a deep breath. Exhale s-l-o-w-l-y. Calm my heart. They are the litmus test for all the bookmarks of my life. They remind me of what is important. What to hold onto. What to let go. These certain heart-stopping moments just snag me without pause for air. magical, whimsical moments, that can cause such delight ~to the point of making me want to close my eyes and hold onto them forever? To relish in them. be in the moment. To let them hold me in their fullest capacity. To totally give myself to them. I suppose we could go with a scientific explanation of endorphins being released and what not, but I prefer to romanticize it (yes, that's right if I don't have the facts I make something up). I allow my senses to be completely captivated, charmed, bewitched, dazzled...quite literally to be transported into the moment by way of that sensory explosion and savor the moments for what they are.
So, I close my eyes. find the extraordinary in the mundane. I am drawn to beautiful things. I want to fix anything that is broken. I am bad at asking for help. I feel badly when I occasionally eat meat. I am time oriented. I wish I were more task oriented. I can't stand cliches. My puppies make me a better person. I adore the ocean. I buy more books than I will ever be able to read. I always fall asleep when the TV is on. or if it is raining. I love anyone who can make me laugh. my favorite movies make me cry. I love art, opera and the ballet. I'm not into sports. I love heart shapes, they make everything better. I am very spiritual. I hate cilantro, it activates my gag reflex, (sorry cilantro. I tried to like you). I am a big fan of being cozy. Florescent or harsh overhead lights are a turn off. I like to be where the light is soft and stays long, where I can string words together, or parade my thoughts around like trained circus animals. I am annoyed with anyone who wears too much perfume or talks in a movie theater, this is just so rude. Wet socks give me the willies. Large crowds make me nervous. I am not a big fan of dark chocolate. I love chocolate pie. I like doing laundry. Public restrooms creep me out, ugh! do I even need to explain? I can't stand it when my fingernails get long, even a tiny little bit. I do yoga daily.
I tend to gravitate toward extremes. When I am stressed I cry and organize things. It helps me focus. calms me. I am forever trying to organize my life and the things in it. This is how I want it, tucked into little cubicles. according to color. alphabetized. easy to find and use. Instead I tend to stuff things I'm not using in drawers, back of closets, the storage room, garage...least I sound like an episode of Hoarders, let me just say that my home is clean and basically clutter free, but stumble upon any of my "secret places" and the jig is up. It's not that I lack discipline or commitment, I just have a hard time throwing things away. The longer I keep something the harder it is for me to get rid of it, I somehow become emotionally attached to inanimate objects (I'm kind of a nut that way). While I am famous for my yard sales, they are quite the production to put together. Still, I keep chipping away. a drawer here. top of the desk. sometimes an entire closet. I have learned to accept this and celebrate the small victories for what they are. They fill me with hope and a sense of accomplishment.
I hate getting my hair cut. Every hair-do I have ever had does something completely different than what it promised. every day is a show down. everyday a battle. the "dos" are winning. They are starting to break me. Fashion magazines are also on my taboo list, isn't it hard enough out there already? I love to travel. I love to stay home. I look like my mom. I am starting to act like her. I started sounding like her when my boys were born. photos of my babies unravel me. I have a rose tattoo on my ankle. I would like to get another one, maybe a mermaid. I have crow's feet and could stand to loose a few pounds (neither of these bother me as much as they should), this bothers me.
These are just some of the thoughts that continue to run roughshod over me, a hassle to be sure, but not much when brought up against life's standards. Not to mention a much needed excuse for a little La De Da-ing, in the middle of the week yet. And have I mentioned the fading light? blooms also are fading, even though this may be a bit premature. Meanwhile, I open my eyes to let the light in. Listen to the foot steps on my heart. While I can't stop her from going, I hope to remember the woman inside. who desperately yearns to fly, stretch her wings. wishing my shadow were as long as it used to be. I can still feel like a princess, even when I'm wearing pajamas and dribbling coffee down my chin. I never want to lose her or forget the wonder of my hippie heart. I put my arms around myself and hold on tight, smiling because life is still worth getting excited about. and I know, that I would do it all over again~exactly the same way, given the chance. in a heart beat.
bitter-sweet chocolate pie
(click here for recipe)
(click here for recipe)