summer's end.

I have not really been on my best behavior lately. I am in my second day month of unrelenting procrastination. The puppies are sporting fur do's worthy of a Tibetan winter. The weeds are winning. The weather is finding new and exciting ways to torture and cause irrevocable damage to my moods. I am trying to paint woodwork (which I suck at). I still have not completely unpacked from vacation. I know, right! I feel as though the only thing I have accomplished lately is to sweep up small piles of debris from the floor and whine occasionally. By the time evening crawls around, I am only fit to watch sappy lifetime movies and schmaltzy season premieres. I am only slightly concerned that my sleep routines may now become dependent upon the soothing sounds and muted palette of a media which usually lulls me to sleep by the first commercial break. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what to do with these itchy, bone shifting kinda feelings I've been having. Seriously, I would have thought that after all these years I would know, right? Well, maybe not.

Maybe I'm waiting for my head to stop spinning. I feel twelve years old again, my emotions all over the place, sentences running together, just came home from camp feeling. Wanting to talk about all I saw, re-live every little thing. It's all right there beneath the surface waiting to bubble up. Oh and summer, I will miss you so! I know I have said nice things about Fall in the past, I do have feelings for her but it is nothing serious. Please don't leave me. You are still my favorite season and I will love you forever. Though you should know you kinda kicked my butt this year. P.S. Think about coming earlier next year and staying a little longer and really, about the humidity, not so much. okay?

I suppose also that I may worry too much that things will change, or that they will stay the same...but it's hard not to when I feel so grateful. treasure every moment of the day. cherish the love, light and laughter. dance around in the colors and music that fill my life. bask in the steadfast belief that things are exactly the way they are meant to be. I still have a pocket full of dreams. a heart to follow. yet, I am in a kind of transitional, funky place. I feel things shifting, if ever so slightly. I calmly await the ebb and flow of the every day. I know, the tide that goes out, always, always comes back in. I have been more quiet than usual. waiting. listening. hoping. clearing out clutter and making my space more breathable. There are certain things that I can only whisper about. to myself. when no one else is around. This makes me sad, but I am learning to live with it. and to tread lightly here because as you  know, I have a tender heart. 

I spent the last day of summer outside. In the sunshine. soaking it all up. At one point I had to let go of the hundreds of things I wanted to do. settle on a few unforgettable. So, I took what I could get and walked away happy. once I did that it made breathing easier, and besides what other choice was there? Because pretty soon you run out of summer. see, some things are impossible to hold onto. I made my peace with it and moved on.  sorta. I had a terrible yearn for you yesterday. it came out of nowhere. Fall makes it worse, that was the first time I saw you. It was also the last. In the Fall when the leaves fell. It wasn't shouty tears, or anything blatant or flashy, just a huge tide of emotion that rose up in me like a swell at sea. I miss you. still. I was not intending to talk about you. out loud. because you know I never do that. but. my heart still aches for the loss. even after all this time. I actually thought that with time I might give up the ghost. that the hurt would fade away. if even just a bit. at first I thought this might finish me. turns out I am made of stronger stuff. there are times when I can even dance. when I sing the songs in my heart. When I am filled up with life and spirit. and others, when the grief finds a way to catch onto a jagged edge of my broken heart that never quite mended properly.

I made peanut butter cookies, I know they were your favorite and somehow this comforts me.

peanut butter cookies



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