hope floats

No need to sound the alarm, I am not at cabin fever just yet, even though the temperature didn’t quite get up to promised and the sun has gone missing for days now. the wind also is making it particularly nasty outside.  And the ice .....ARG! Spring. I think about it on days I feel like talking myself off the ledge while I breathe deeply into a paper sack (just kidding, or not). And, even though I know that life is really very good, I really do know this—I search for words that will inspire me, little snippets that run through my head...Don’t worry, be happy. Happy as a clam. Happy camper. Happy-go-lucky. Stop and smell the roses. (what?) Things like that. Happy! Inside, it's quite cozy with the turned up thermostat, mugs of tea, jazz, and knitting projects that turn up in the darnedest places, every nook and cranny. Even the puppies are doing their share, they are excellent toe warmers and can cuddle like nobody's business.

even so....

At times stuff just pours out of me, at other times...not so much. Sometimes it's just a not-much-going-on-ness. A bit of heaviness in the air. A lingering yuckie feeling. There are no pills for it. No one to call in the morning. The "yuckies" are a funny thing {and not the tee-hee make you laugh, feel good kind of funny}. They can be as fleeting as the scent of rain, gone almost before you realize they were there, or they can put up their feet and take bets as to how long they can stay. They are a quiet feeling of having misplaced something valuable, something you desperately want. They leave you feeling drained and limp, like a plant someone forgot to water. They cause vague stirring of foreboding. a slight itch below the skin. a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. with a knot tucked inside. a slight disjointed feeling, like a marionette with it's strings tangled. they make you feel like seven cups of coffee on an empty stomach. fragile as a snowflake. You'll find them scurrying around your mind like field mice, causing you to mull certain thoughts over and over a million times. They bring unwanted emotions waiting to pounce, with teeth bared. They are exhausting.

Mostly though, they are yuckie.

You can feel your heart slowly descending in a crazy spiral, like a coin carelessly dropped into a well. your heartbeat coming in short startled beats like a stone skipping on still water. Try to pinpoint. to understand. tuck them away. take them out, (just to see if they are still there (they are).) examine them. ignore them. until...finally, finally they go away, you go about your life, relax a bit, start feeling better, stop kicking your can...then, suddenly there they are, triggered by a feeling in your gut. and it all starts again. that feeling, like a dream...spun from moonbeams and whatever fine madness that brings it together.

Now what? Go about your day the best you can? Morning walk, breakfast, shower, chores, but you are not really completely focused on the tasks at hand......and all the while there they are, lurking, dark and evil as the lyrics to a Slayer song. Most of the time you don't even see them coming, they will sneak in a window after you have carefully locked all the doors. They cause you to second guess things that should have been forgotten long ago. They crawl into bed with you at night and cuddle up inside your gut, whispering in your ear and calling softly to you at 2:07, at 3:47, then again at 4:18-eating at you because they can, and you let them (because you don't know what else to do). "Yuckies" can creep around inside you, like a magician conjuring up demons out of nothing and out of all the mistakes you've made, distorting reality, removing the veils from truths too long untold. or so it seems.

The "yuckies" are insidious. Crafty. Sly. Sneaky. Like a snake in the grass. They cause you to spend days inside, fashioning miniature castles out of old shoe boxes and cutting paper dolls from scraps of paper. Checking the locks again...and again.

Luckily we live close to several Metro Parks that provide miles and miles of gorgeous-ness! And do you know what I discovered? Ding! Ding! Ding! I swear it just came to me, clear as crystal! Among these trails, among this beauty...the yuckies can not survive! It's true...they're gone. So maybe my mind is creating it's own fish tales, or I've gone round the bend, but I'm telling you, those trails are inspiring places indeed.

Years ago I saw a movie where Sandra Bullock’s character Birdie tells her daughter,
“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.....

Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will … “

And so, as is my habit, I made a mug of chamomile tea and reflected upon this. It's the last line that snagged me, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will...My deepest joys come, as they always do, from my friends and family. Love. Open arms. Unconditional. This love, this joy. of family. of friends. it is the thick cream of it. the sweetest of all. the joy that floats to the top. In a life that is at time challenging, but always beautiful.

peace.

Olive Oil and Coconut Brownies

(go here for recipe)