dandelion heart.

So, it's that time of year. I told you this would happen. Cold drizzly days have been replaced with sunshine! Winter chores packed up and traded for days in the garden, eating outside and forever daylight. If I would have remembered May could be this swoony, I would have run off with her long ago. It's like clockwork, really, it's how I monitor the comings and goings of my life. The good news is, we got the gardens weeded and mulched, not an easy task, and to celebrate, I’m sitting at the table, listening to the birds outside, thrilling at the fact that it’s 8:24 pm and I haven’t yet flipped on a single light switch. And because it feels like time is on my side (yes it is, la la la, though probably just for tonight), I have been making some mental notes about my annual "to buy for the garden" list. I'm sure it seems like such a list is not necessary, but it sorta helps me to stay on task. In it's absence, I end up wandering aimlessly around local nurseries, intoxicated by the scent of roses, hydrangea and foxglove. bewitched by their beauty. I kinda forget that everything I buy becomes fodder for the deer squatting on my property. and instead buy a few more garden gnomes or something for the birds to nest in.

Not that there is anything wrong with that! But I've found that it's easier to rationalize adding to the pile of unnecessary objects when you also throw something into the to do category. This year I'm looking for things for my vegetable garden. it is inching it's way to the top of my list and I am getting excited about all the possibilities. although I have given no thought to the color scheme or even the vision of security. I do know that tomatoes are invited, but that's all I've got so far. this time of year sings to me. twirls magic out of thin air like spun sugar at the carnival.

Oh! and I have this. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of time. That these are the times to savor, these very moments. these days of smooshy sunshine, all over the place emotions and get togethers with my besties. the moments of literally and figuratively being tackled by love. to borrow from James Taylor, 'the secret to life is enjoying the passage of time' ...I want to do that. yet I find those moments still slipping through my fingers. I am in the middle of it. I am still learning how to savor them.  Friends help. they will say things that take you around the sun one hundred times. jump up and down and run to greet you like a scene from a corny Hallmark made-for-television-movie. laugh at your jokes even when they are not funny. tell you you look fabulous, even when you don't. love you with completeness. and innocence.

I am smothered in those feelings. when I think about them, what I would really like to do is fill a bottle with all the hugs, stories, memories, whispers, tears, and laughter. then pour it out like perfume one day in the far flung future on my old woman's heart. the sacred gift of friends. one of the joys of life. it is one of those things that keeps you tethered to your youth. it reminds you that once upon a time a lazy summer day and your bestie is all it took to have the best day ever... and maybe it could still be that simple.  a night out with old friends certainly deserves a moment in the sun. especially when the sun feels the furthest away. and a special hats off to one who tried to tame a bunch of fifteen sixtysome years olds into a serious discussion. cracks me up. just a good time, a party with no one really prone to show boating. I love spending time with them...it only happens a few times a year. not nearly enough. The thing is, when you're friends, even if you don't really see each other that often, well, you're still friends. It's just something that you can feel, an understanding. there's a history. getting together with friends? yes please.

I don't know about you, but I have learned that there are two things that don't keep, youth and summer. I intend to  squeeze every last drop out of both. I keep making adjustments. I'm learning to hold things feather-lightly. I am growing in ways I never thought about.  at my age!!! and that is a difficult thing to make sense of. I am grateful for the blessings I have  been entrusted with, knowing full well that tomorrow I may have to give them back. I am still so very wealthy in the eyes of the rest of the world.  So far, I have not had to give everything away. but what I have, was precious. It was hard. still is, maybe more so now. I take seriously the command to care for others and to savor every single ding dang moment we have. and I can't really do that if I'm only thinking of myself.

My hope is that just as I look back now on these moments in my life I will smile. I hope it will be more about letting go then holding on. That each day begins in the usual way, somersaulting through the usual humdrum of joy, fits of laughter and tears with the occasional heart piercing pangs that result when the sum total of love in my heart exceeds the available square footage. every day it is the same mix. that is how I like it. I guess you have noticed my propensity for yammering on about these things, serving up proof of their magnificence and worth. But you and I both know - they're only that. They're borrowed moments. Split-second clicks of time that elevate the simplest feelings. This is my life...with a bow in its hair. I could focus on piles of dirty laundry or my recent well-worn path to grief, and sometimes I do. But most days? I'll eat my pie straight out of the pan. thank you. I will be accountable for all of it, one day. but not today.

I usually hate endings. I'm a walking ad for Zoloft the day after a holiday. and the last day of vacations send me over the edge. But tonight, after the perfect day, and right before the start of another whirl wind week, I'm actually cool with it. Better than that. the winding down is necessary and good. The starting out is quiet. We all process things in our own way. This is mine. I'm always ready to wake up and start a new week. Maybe I'm just getting older better, I now understand that work and routine compliment fun and relaxation. Either way, I appreciate them both. beginnings and endings...and all the in between.
   I found this in my garden today. A dandelion.  It's a weed. right? I think they are beautiful though.  It slowly grows into a yellow, kinda, almost flower. It soon becomes white, fragile, easily broken. Until it is blown, and left bare. But it isn't left hopeless. Because if there is good soil, a good solid foundation, a new one will sprout up. And it is amazing once again. Our hearts are like that, like dandelions. 

just sayin'.


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