a firecracker life.
It scares me to say this, even as I can’t help myself, even as I think it a dozen times a day. Even as I daydream about the ocean, all the live-long day. Even as I hang pictures on freshly painted walls and feel what must be contentment rise up inside me. Even as I watch my life fill this space. as I feel myself become at ease here, and start to believe that I am home. for now. Yes, as happy as that all is, it’s scary, too. Because what if it all goes away? What if I can’t hold on to this, for myself? For those I love? I’ve learned that fear. To wait, as I do, for the other shoe to drop. To reach out for something and not feel surprised when it’s yanked away just as I’m about to grab hold. Just when I feel the safest.
For years, I’ve been looking for a place to land. That place, the one I would never want to leave. A place where I could stay through enough seasons that memories would have time to take root. A place beside the sea. There must be people who like to move, who like the change, but I am not one of them. not anymore. I used to be. I have moved many times. thousands of miles apart. I have loved my homes, built whole lives around them. I always seem to be able to see how it will look. how it will be. yet, I can walk away.
My life, it gets more misbehavin' all the time. I can feel some of the illusions slip away. but trust me, I've still got plenty in my pocket. I can feel the heart stopping love. I've been practicing. Sometimes things even seem to make a bit of sense, making me believe I can fit the pieces together. But not always. I'm the girl who works an idea like a pop quiz. I'm scribbling and erasing just to do it all again. In the end, even if my ideas fit neatly into the little boxes, I'm sure they won't add up. And what I'm learning, amidst all the in between living and piles of laundry is that it's best to just live while I wonder. enjoy the gift.
Let's be honest, we all pine for things. Sometimes, what I pine for most are French wines and cheeses, imported chocolates, a nap in the afternoon, the perfect peach pie, a fresh bag of Corn Tortilla Chips and homemade salsa ~ spicy ~ room temperature.
Unfortunately, today isn't one of those easy days.
Today I'm pining straight from the heart for a big ticket item. A home by the sea. But this place? The life I have here looks peaceful, for now. Settled. Rooted. My little town is all charm and history. The next closest town meets all my shopping needs and has a lovely historic downtown, too. There’s enough here to keep me entertained, with enough sillyness and beauty that I can find my own ways. Still, I keep a jar on the kitchen counter for shells, and wishes ~ I call it my ocean jar. I still want that. It won’t be easy. truth be told, it just gets harder. Life is always messier than a postcard. There are practical concerns that keep me awake some nights, but that would be true anywhere. It’s all possible. Good things are possible. If I’m hard-wired with a certain amount of fear, I’m also an eternal optimist through and through. Any instinct I've ever had to move on has settled for the time being, like a sky full of stars coming to rest in the morning light. I’ll leave them to their task. to the wind. wings. and wanderings. I want those roots. But at heart I'm still that piece of sea glass that keeps getting tossed back in, allowing life to tumble me up a bit more. my sharp edges are many and sometimes I feel like I might drown. making this trip I'm on feel like a firecracker. Turns out, I've always wanted a firecracker life.