i don't know why.

I don't know why the urge for uncontrollable laughter sometimes comes at the worst possible times, like in church, or during a funeral. I don't know why it rains whenever you plan to be married on the beach or in the park. I don't know why we sometimes want what we can not have. or crave things we clearly know are bad for us. I don't know why love tests us to the very core of our being, sometimes. I don't know why all these years later, the hours, days and years rearranged themselves to allow me to see it as I had the first time. as if no time at all had passed. Mostly, I saw those eyes...bright, alert, kind, searching. light blue with darker blue on the edges as if they had meant to be the color of the sky and at the last minute they changed their mind and decided to be the color of the ocean. Oh, life, I didn't think you had it in you. After all this time of doing the only thing I've ever loved, I thought I knew what to expect.  I had a hunch there would be challenging times, of course, there have been before. Maybe a few bad days to boot.  And if I'd been more naughty than nice, a piper to pay. but boy, did you ever surprise me. after all these years?  How very clever. to catch me off guard. when my defenses were down. I never saw it coming. and let me just say, that if a broken heart made a sound, you would have heard mine, shatter like breaking crystal crashing to the floor. in that moment. 

Some of you may know this about me, I like my life to be perfectly well-ironed. no wrinkles. or creases. when this happens, when things do not go as planned, I am ever so slightly prone to theatrics and exaggeration! This can sometimes cause me to mosey on over to crazy town. And perhaps, if I line these two up, all back-to-back, nice and casual-like, I hardly notice I have ventured into some seriously bad juju. And just to clarify,  I am only iffy on the drama bit, while most certainly rock solid on the crazy, even while trying to maintain just a tiny bit of dignity. It may not seem that way. Because, by rights, huge emotions slamming down through a normally peaceful day should floor you, make dealing with certain things tough...but I find this is not always the case for me. it may even be a cinch at times. you know the kind I'm talking about. pure, raw, honest emotions that come out fighting. screaming. these I know what to do with. how to handle them. maybe not always with perfect grace and charm, but I know I will make it, find my way to the other side and just maybe be better for it. what I can not deal with are the hidden, cleverly muddled up emotions, tangled and messy. silent. almost impossible to unravel. they always come with a touch of resentment and a huge dose of guilt. They sit in the pit of my stomach. waiting. with their recriminations. making demands. just will not leave me alone. I try to deal with them. no way. nothing. yep! still tangled up. 

So? what to do? I listen. reflect. let it resonate within my heart. I am silent. This is what I do. When I am upset. when I feel hurt. when I feel unappreciated and there are no words of encouragement. not even a thank you. I grow silent. This may seem strange, given my romance with words, but it happens none the less. I lose my desire to talk and I close down. still my thoughts. Maybe I am hoping someone will read my mind. fill in the blanks. read between the lines. Luckily, I know what is in my heart. how to fill in the spaces between my emotions. those hollow spots between each heart beat.

Silence can be my saving grace. my strength. it compels me to do those things that I love. Yoga. meditating. writing. long walks. sitting and doing nothing. Life, at times can be loud. Sirens wailing, cars honking, people yelling, construction everywhere, lawn mowers, babies crying. hearts breaking. at time, it can be incessant, the noise. making it difficult for me to hear even my own thoughts. The sad thing is, I somehow get used to it. accept it as being the norm. I don't even realize that it is getting to me, crawling under my skin, slowly driving me down that road again. Until...I have to make it stop. head out to the woods, take a drive down a country lane. even, sit on a bench in the historic cemetery close by my house, after all, everyone there is pretty good at the whole silence thing. so, I chill. find that semblance of quietude that I crave. ahhhh, the sounds of silence. I am a big fan.

On the flip side, I also love having cocktails at cool smokey bars while listening to jazz. going to a concert. dinner with friends. listening to tall grasses dancing in the wind, I love the sound of laughter, music, whispering and puppies barking. so, I'm never sorry for the bits of silence that creep in. I embrace them. adjust my priorities when needed. the lesson may be in learning how to laugh at dropped balls, just as well as learning how to juggle them. I surround myself with those that understand my heart. I am slowly learning how to let go. and that my greatest weakness may become my greatest strength. and...maybe, just maybe, silence is it's own reward. And on the off-chance that hind sight is 20/20, I have to figure out how to make this into a permanent change of strength.

Ginger Snaps
(click here for recipe) 

 enjoy!