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time is on my side (happy birthday).

July passed like a summer thunderstorm. Of the quick, unexpected kind.The ones that come out of nowhere and are gone before you can enjoy them. It was lovely. Much like every other July. The way I remember, it went something like this...Rain. Sun. Long hours of daylight. The gardens dripping with flowers. Psychedelic greens. Occasional picnics. And much like every other July, gone too quickly. I believe July was meant to calm me. make me smile. slow me down. And it was working... until August got in the way. With its promises of endings and beginnings. summer's last harrah~as well as my own. A month plump with plans as well as celebrations. And scattered between, unending distractions. My to-do lists generally manageable, lately have been able to make or break the day.
I know, right?  Who needs to be reminded to have fun?  What can I say?  When Wednesday still feels like Monday I tend to get a bit mindful. Double up. wipe the week clean, because being apologetic is not acceptable. Unbending is not what I am. Flexible is totally in my DNA. never one to walk on pussycat feet, I just clomp right ahead. Besides, procrastinations already been done, and August just will not dawdle. Crazzzy arrived right on time, but it's lease expires around mid-September. In the meantime...everything sprinkled with pink, tiaras, pretty papers and bows, sparkly surprises in small boxes. magic popping up between every ordinary. August feels like driving down a country road with no chance of getting lost, since a destination is never clear anyway.

So, yeah, it's August and I'm starting to feel it. I've spent the better part of the summer thinking about it, and it's all starting to hit home for me. So much for "all the time in the world", plus I threw July to the wolves as a bonus. Fortunately it all culminated on my dreaded much anticipated birthday. I should preface this by saying I had been a bit out of sorts lately. nothing crazy, just the usual mid life crisis stuff. a touch extra nostalgic with a bit of wistfulness thrown in for good measure. So what can I say, perhaps I was whinier than I wanted to be, complaining about getting older and all. but it was nothing that sent me round the bend. or had me pulling out my hair, and hopefully I made it through without a major meltdown and my dignity intact. I'm pretty sure I even came out better for it.

It's true, I'm a little different now. the years will do that to a girl. I'm a tiny bit more patient, more spiritual and in the moment, definitely still free-spirited although I try to rein it in at times, I do not feel as invincible as I once did, perhaps my mortality is showing. and certainly I am a lot less obsessed by the rules. life is so much better now that I've chilled le heck out. a touch broken? maybe. but so much stronger and wiser. and seasoned in ways I never thought possible. I know who I am. the barefoot girl running on the beach still lives inside of me. whispers in my ear. I occasionally call upon her to breathe new life into a beat down part of me that from time to time seems to be hanging on by a thread. she is the center of me, my core, my heart and soul that I pray to hold on to for the rest of my time here, though I keep my photos and journals near as a reminder. just in case I forget for a second.

Some of the dreams I had passed like strangers on a crowded street, so quickly forgotten were they. But it is the dreams I cling to, as tenaciously as the moon and stars cling to the sky, that sustain me. and the things I have learned, cannot exist without forgiveness and that faith is more enduring than understanding, that carry me home. most importantly though, I am shamelessly basking in the incredible feelings conjured up by life, gratefully wearing them like a crown of laurel leaves. the glorious memories that I carry like an invisible locket in my heart. I'm starting to understand how the winds of change can blow. How certain events can be bigger, stronger than we are. I have always been chasing the proverbial rainbow. A part of me will always be just a grown person who loves their happy memories of childhood...where there were enough happy endings to go around. The vibrant blue of my eyes may have been replaced by gray. overnight. just like that. gray...the color of aged pewter and oyster shells. but, I kinda dig it. I am actually embracing it in a gloriously imperfect sort of way. the crying waiting is over. I catch sight of the future with the sort of relief that only comes at the end of this kind of a wait. It's a beautiful thing. I look at old photographs and I can't help but remember how idealistic, how optimistic and free-spirited I was in my twenties. I was a new mother, and because of that I walked around in a perpetual state of bliss. I was also knee-deep in the moment. in the living of life. making a safe, secure nest that was full up with love. I was so on fire to change the world.

it's true. I do more than my fair share of daydreaming. it's just that it's so easy to do. some things just seem to wear on me. more than others. the normalness of it. the everdayness. sometimes makes me forget. sometimes makes me remember. at times I get so caught up in the getting there that it's hard to remember where I was going in the first place. and why. I can forget where I've been, and most important of all, where I am now...right this minute! I get lost in it and it becomes nearly impossible to see because sometimes what I am working so hard to create in the first place, has been there all along. It's ruby slippers. I imagine I could shoot off a snarky remark here. I should at least whoop and holler. in my defense I did not moan and groan. not even once. not even a little. Though if I were to be perfectly honest, I would mention that I wanted to.

So there's quite a bit in the brew, making it feel surreal. like a moment captured outside of time. Where the music is so quiet the only sounds I hear are the beating of my own heart and the dreams I have. dreams of sunny days, peaceful nights, and unconditional. dreams that turn to wishes. the crossed finger kind. knock on wood three times. blow out the birthday candles kind. It may seem tricky at times, but deep down inside I know. I know. Everything will work out. It will be fine. Time won't stand still, but it will be counted by heartbeats instead of seconds.

 Yet it's better than ever, if the rumors are to be believed. even several years off, and sort of optimistic if you ask me. The time of freedom. light and laughter. purple and red are the new beige. swapping 9 to 5 for all day long. flip flops for high heels. So I guess I'm squarely in the over and above camp, but for bringing me peace of mind, I forgive you. I've seen this before, suddenly everyone swapped their pretty ribbons for a life line. I have seen plenty of birthdays before, of course, they were magnificent although this one fulfilled it's promises to be a bit melodramatic.  *deep sigh of relief*

and then all of the sudden, it's done and you find yourself looking back. if you're lucky, you really see. I can hardly contain myself taking inventory of every memory since childhood.  millions of bittersweet, heartbreaking memories. they are like money in the bank. I am so rich, I am rolling in it, I'm drenched and saturated. love, love, love. I see it, I feel it, even when I don't want to. my life is spilling out all over the place. I am excited to think where it will take me. untangling the threads of my days and weaving them into a life I love. It is bursting with color. quirkiness. and I am embracing it all, as if I were 16 again. It takes my breathe away, makes me squeal with delight. time is on my side. makes me feel special. humble. it counts. all of it. 



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