wishes, dreams and moments in time.

you might imagine, just because i'm land locked, that i've forgotten. but mere state lines and lack of tides alone cannot ease my yearnings. i suppose, what with the ocean being hours away, you might think it has slipped from my memory. but it's salt water spray and magical pull sit side by side with the longing in my heart. with my mostly closed eyes it is never far in thought. warm sugary sand, sea oats and starfish are sweet, sweet summer wishes. so when word comes of warmer weather, my thoughts, of course, turn to the sea. I know just exactly how lovely it is to sit, in the sun, inhaling the sweet smell of coconut oil. brushing sand from slightly moist limbs. old adages aside, i find that a day at the beach is what soothes my savage beast. so what to do?  my mind's not blank mind you, but racing through a thousand ways to get me there. even i can see that with all the blessings in my life, asking for more is something akin to adding a shaggy haired hippie to the mix. the way i let it all hang out, the way i protest against the unfairness of it all.  but like anything worthwhile, you just have to know how to go about it. how to tame the wilder side while still respecting the inner moxie. which is to say...  

i have been dreaming, again.


if you know anything about me, you know that i am a dreamer, know that i love to make wishes. I wonder, how long must wishes and dreams dance together before they become one...meld quietly into reality. i have a huge dream jar that i add to forevermore. most of the time i wish for peace~ peace in the world, peace at home, peace in my heart. for years and years i was away, living in places other than this mid west city i grew up in. after returning, i wished that it still felt like home to me. be that it ever did. my family is here. so i love it, but i don't. i wish that i did. yet i find myself wishing for a place that feels more like home in my heart. 

whenever i can i leave behind the land~lockedness of this place called home. to a place where my body and soul can become one with the sea. where i can run along the shore searching for sea glass and other treasures. as my skin turns golden and my hair is stiff and salty from the sea spray. curiosity has lead me to discoveries that have stayed with me throughout my entire life. i dreamily watch the sun slip into turquoise waters as stars twinkle above. each night i gently dream of the wonders i beheld that day, a day that started long before the sun appeared. it is this home by the sea that raises me up. it is the ocean treasures that fill up my hollow places. i feel a kinship with the creatures that live beneath. i am over flowing with hope, love and am in a constant state of wonder. sweet promises fulfilled cradle me and rock me to sleep. it is these two homes i abide in, the one where my family and heart lives and the one where my soul longs to be.

there were times my dreams had no pillow. i wandered in the rain. crickets serenading me as i slept. yet my  yearnings would not bend. my dreams never folding over on themselves. i tucked them aside. made them stronger. always, always making sure that there would be plenty of happy ending to go around. i vowed to stay strong. keep my eye on the brass ring. never to lose my way. you are either an ocean person or you're not-forever it is in your blood-and, what i have learned is just this...if you love the sea, do not live in the middle of the country! these thoughts burn deep within me, tearing down old walls and healing old hurts. always turning the page and starting another chapter. achieving my dreams while always dreaming new ones. 

as my restless heart continues to weave dreams, i embrace my home...music dances along walls painted buttery yellow. my breathe mingles with the scent of roses and jasmine. sunshine slips through walls of windows casting an enchanting glow, the light just right. shelves are filled with books and photos. filled with life. herbs grow in clay pots. the air is sweet with the scent of puppies. furry paws cast a spell of magic everywhere there is love, laughter, memories all around me. i share a dream with the garden. all the many corners are filled with whimsy. 

so, here’s to new beginnings, and making the most of what we have, right where we are. 

when I was a kid, I would wonder if it was possible to hold onto a moment. you know, if you tried hard enough. if you closed your eyes and memorized every single thing about it, pressed it into your mind. conjure up every detail. will yourself to immortalize it. could you? as time went by? remember the way you flew down the street on your bike as the wind whipped your hair across your face. remember the way peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tasted sprinkled with sand while sitting on a towel at the beach. laughing as you watched the three stooges. on a family road trip how your sweaty legs stuck to the car seats as ricky nelson belted out traveling man on the car radio. where do they go? these moments in time. all the seemingly forgettable moments that make up the days of our youth. the thought of losing them scares me. i want them. i want them all. no matter how ordinary. how bland or meaningless. i hoard them. hold on for dear life. yet only a handful remain. i have really only managed to hold onto a fleeting few in a lifetime of many. for whatever reasons, only certain moments stick. 

and i wonder why I cannot. for. the. life. of. me. get anything done. i thought about this earlier as i was daydreaming working in the garden. i thought about how hard i tried as a child to hold onto things, how hard i still try to hold onto things-- how i take photos. how i am constantly making lists. how i scribble thoughts onto pages, spilling over into hundreds of different notebooks and scraps of paper. how every day i carefully integrate this practice of preservation into my daily life. how i immortalize. 

and then...then i sat there and did what my six year-old self used to do. i memorized the moment... cool grass beneath me. sun on my face. right hand full of weeds. birds singing. me humming quietly along, under my breathe. a butterfly whispering in the breeze. that sky! wide open and blue as a robin's egg. fluffy cotton candy clouds.  blooms the size of babies tear drops, some as big as a head of cabbage. air washed clean from a recent thunderstorm. peaceful. serene.
one moment slips gently into the next and then it's gone. i am wishing this one will stick.

peace.

 Strawberry Icebox Pie

(go here for recipe)