I feel'er rising.

moving, is flipping much of my life and most of my heart upside down.

I had big plans to write about my journey for contentment. It has been on my heart every day. every day. It is becoming a part of me, and the harder I pray for it, the more it snuggles up to me and holds my hand. I am on a mission to be content with what I have...and maybe with even less than what I have. I have been connecting the dots with a bright red Sharpie and I am thankful for that. Let's face it, who doesn't like it when Life reveals itself to us in a way that is impossible to miss? So, I went to bed late last night with some of the word threads already knitting together in my mind. That is the way it is with me, my brain writes in intermittent sentence fragments almost all the time. It can't be helped.

But then I awoke before dawn, clammy, chest-pounding, shaking inside from the dreams I had. I rolled facing the window and clamped my eyes shut, but the traces of fear and charcoal, leaden guilt tinged the edges of me.

I knew, I did not want to carry this around all day long. I knew it could happen, I've been down this road many times before.

So I prayed for relief and a fresh perspective. Blindly, I reached for solace. I drank orange juice that tasted like sunshine. My lips are sugar-brushed from the cinnamon toast that I had planned before the night, before the dreams. Today is going to be a good day.

Nevermind that the view outside my window at the moment is dripping grey. Nevermind that I subconsciously chose a grey shirt and a brown britches, the very picture of blah. I had decided half a day ago that today was going to be a good day. I am determined.

Here's how my day week June was...
pack, dialysis, pack, chemo, pack, move, clean, unpack, food, plumber, quell sass, drive, doctor, drive, electrician, laundry. Food. diving headlong into the most frazzled, cluttered version of musical rooms ever.

I threw some fun in, too. Of course.

But I know that two straight months of running around non-stop equals me in the fetal position.
It hasn't happened yet, but I keep warning everyone, "I'm going to have a melt-down soon. Just FYI. I feel'er rising."

Tonight I plan on rewarding my efforts and the fact that I survived and am now walking around on my two spindly legs with Chinese take-out. It makes perfect sense. I know. I'll be hungry and I have $30 burning a hole in my pocket, and if there's one thing I know about me it's that I will always, always burn up extra cash on restaurant food. I know. I'm good at some things, just not this. When it calls for a celebration, I'm spoiled and entitled and will get cupcakes Chinese take-out.

So it looks like this is the good stuff, friends. 7 pm hot and sour soup on the couch with my girls and the season finale of Revenge via On Demand, then watching fireworks from my bedroom window. This is looking my own exhaustion square in the mug then ignoring it in favor of a different kind of rest.

It should feel sort of monumental, but I'm too busy being troubled by the fact that June's birthday decorations are still up and the garage isn't unpacked. I'm sleeping in the hall. Things are more than a little wonky here.

This is understanding that seasons come and go. This one is sketchy and messy, but it's filled with things that are important, people whom I love, so I do what I do and I play in the middle. Cleaning, weeding and sleep and boredom can wait.

 My life is unrecognizable to me, once again.
I'm well past trying to memorize its angles and planes.

I'm almost there.

Somehow, it still feels more like home than ever.

just sayin'.

Cream Cheese Stuffed Strawberries

2 (1 pound) containers strawberries
2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
6 T powdered sugar
2 T orange juice (fresh, or from a bottle)
1 C cool whip
1 t vanilla
dash salt

1. Wash your beautiful berries and pat them dry. 
2. In your stand mixer, or large mixing bowl, beat 2 packages of softened cream cheese until smooth. Add 6 tablespoons of powdered sugar, 2 tablespoons orange juice, 1 cup cool whip, 1 teaspoon vanilla and a dash of salt. Beat until well combined and smooth. 
3. Set the strawberries up on their green stems. With a sharp knife cut a slit through the top of each strawberry, making sure you don't cut all the way through to the stem. 
4. Cut another slit along the top, forming an x pattern. 
5. Place a large open star tip in a pastry bag and fill the bag with the cream cheese mixture. If you don't have a large star tip, or a pastry bag, you could just use a large ziploc bag and cut a small hole in the end. 
6. Pipe the cream cheese filling into the cut end of each strawberry. 
7. Place a blueberry on the top and set them on a pretty platter. Refrigerate until serving.


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