ride the waves.

Hello New Year, hello house that smells like childhood. hello January. I am somewhere between wide open arms and wishing I could skip you altogether. I am living squarely in the space between. but you're here, and there's really nothing I can do about it. what I can do is gather my strength everyday, wear it like perfume. eat clementines, make salted caramels. keep appointments, organize, be grateful, sing the songs. and ride the waves, ride all the waves.

 It washes over me while I'm standing in the checkout aisle at Target. while I'm trying to decide which flavor of eos lip balm to buy. I'm not even thinking about it. and then I am. around me, people are buying baby wipes and pillow cases and giant bags of kitty litter. I am pushing my plastic red cart down crowded aisles and then I am crying. in public. I am crying in public. I hate to cry in public.

it sneaks up on me while I am reading a book. bam. there it is. I struggle to read the words, to finish even one sentence. I am so tired. I can't hide it forever. I finish the chapter, climb into bed and fall into a deep, crazy dream filled sleep. if I could, I'd sleep forever.

it knocks the wind out of me while I'm driving. when the sun is shining and the radio is on and my mind is in seventeen different places. I grip the wheel and ride the wave. I want to pull over but I don't. I roll down the window instead. and I ride the wave.

this is my life right now.

 When the house is quiet, I am thinking about the week ahead. banana bread, new books, medical appointments, scary tests, organizing my photos, taking down the Christmas tree (I know), paying bills, grooming my puppies, new throw rugs for the mud room. I can't help it, I think in lists. at some point this week, I will complain about the cold. do thirty loads of laundry. fall asleep with the lights on. cry about my mom.

it'd be so much easier to just share some pretty photographs here. just photographs, all the time. but words are important. even when I can't seem to find the right ones.

just sayin'.

Pumpkin Black Bean Soup

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 ½ cups chopped onion (about 1 medium)
4 garlic cloves, minced
½ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon chipotle chili powder (or more, to taste)
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
2 15-ounce cans reduced sodium black beans, drained and rinsed
1 28-ounce can diced tomato
1 15-ounce can pumpkin puree
Plain Greek yogurt or light sour cream and chopped scallions (optional)


Heat the oil in a large soup pot over medium high. Add the onion, garlic, cumin, chipotle chili powder, cinnamon and nutmeg and cook, stirring often, until the onion is softened, about 5 minutes. Add the black beans, tomato, pumpkin,  and salt bring to a boil; reduce the heat to a simmer and cook 15 minutes. Season with salt and pepper as desired.

Serve each bowl topped with a dollop of yogurt or sour cream and sprinkling of scallions if desired.