nostalgia.

I can't even tell you why certain things continue to bang around in my heart....I planned to write a big, ole bossy post giving you a list of things that you *must* do in your garden this week-end. Because, you know, we all need more to-do lists especially on the weekends. But then I found myself going through my cedar chest and the usual spell came over me. I started spinning sugar-dusted whimsy from old cards and a ball of twine. It cast a spell over me...willing me to laugh, cry, and remember. You understand.

So now it's Wednesday and what we all need less than a week-end to-do list is a middle of the week to-do list. Just trust me on this one. Anyway, I've been collecting little mementos for a while now and it's time to share. I was thinking about why I love them, so much!... why the thought of secret treasures stashed away...dusty, passed over, almost forgotten, (some say) useless... gives me goosebumps. the thrill of unwrapping things I've had forever, feels new. every single. time. something that once was lost becomes found. youknowwhatImeanright?

I do keep only the good stuff though. a tiny box filled with tooth fairy treasures (aka lost teeth) creepy? um... excuse me, priceless to a mother. Old cards and sweet letters makes me want to smooch someone on the forehead. School papers, ribbons, awards, broken jewelry. baby clothes, poems, love letters, programs, ticket stubs, pressed flowers, blobs of whimsey etc. and so on...scattered all over the floor. because, no matter how many times I try to set up a traditional work space for myself I always end up sitting on the floor! there's just something about the ability to sprawl out and sit cross-legged, or lay on my back, staring at the ceiling when I get stuck, that has a way of getting my mind going, again. I'm a dump it all out~loud music~sprawl on the floor kind of girl! I came across several heart wrenching items and found myself starring at a patch of sunlight on the wall. my hearts all a tumble these days and words sometimes fail me. Instead, I started sorting through every shade of blue; the sapphire morning, the cerulean afternoon, the cornflower dark of evening, and everything in between. Combining the stable and calming aspects of blue with the mystical and spiritual qualities of the sky and the sea. Blue Iris' satisfies my need for reassurance in a complex world, while adding a hint of mystery and excitement. They calm me in a time that has been challenging lately,

so......

when the hubs told he had a surprise for me the first thought that came to my mind was, I am going to punch you in the nose or pinch you, really hard. these things do not alarm him. when he asked me to marry him, my actual response was throwing up all over him.  I have curiously odd emotional reactions to certain things. yet, he loves and adores me anyway. even though I can be controlling, independent and sometimes scary. even though sometimes when he does sweet things I think about punching him in the nose. someday, I will tell you how we met and our hairpin twist and turn love story. the story of us. it's hilarious. in an I can't believe we are still married kind of way. I help to keep his head in the clouds, he tries to keep my feet on the ground. it is straight to the heart. it is why I believe. it is about taking broken empty fields and planting beautiful seeds. it is about staying and learning to care for something. to protect it. to honor it. to be a life giver. to breathe life into love. to make something beautiful out of dust. and, to be grateful for it.

there are times for golden silence... and so here I am. with my vague thoughts and less than revealing prose to accompany them. don't you just hate that? I guess I could skip it.. but it seems less than honest to not at least acknowledge where my heart is these days. yet wisdom tells me that not every story is meant to be sifted in the public eye. I have many emotions running through my veins, but things still feel sort of magical, as if I drank unicorn juice for breakfast. they're all still in there, trumpeting their half truths and simple charms. but the one that has settled down into my bones is this, it seems my fear and faith have grown side by side. like two flowers competing for the same space, they match each other word for word and deed for deed. in the name of balance. in the name of safety. in the name of it's just plain easier. but it's just easier doesn't seem like something I want to hang my hopes on...and safe and balanced in the end dude is just not me. 

 it's just that at times it sneaks up on me, that nostalgia does.  maybe from a song, a fleeting memory, distant smell...there's just no way to know when it will hit. when I will be forced to stop and remember, usually with a bit of an achy heart. it sounds sad, but really it's not. that's just the way nostalgia rolls. why is nostalgia like that?  is it just that as time passes we know with all certainty that we are not infinite?  (not sure if that is it.)  could it be that I want to relive those days that are now mere memories?  (don't think this is it, either.)  maybe it's because my memories let me know that life goes on, and that every moment that passes is one that I will be nostalgic for. (I may be getting closer.)

hmmm, this is may be getting a bit deeper than I had intended.

but anyway, nostalgia.  I am a nostalgic kind of girl. I remember my past and the people in it, mostly with a happy heart.  it keeps me grateful. I am actively nostalgic (actively nostalgic?  what does that even mean?) I am truly grateful for the people and times in my life, now and remembered. I don't like to live or think regrets.

again, not really sure where this is going!

The times when I allow myself to daydream, I walk down memory lane, straight to my childhood. I see every detail, hear every creak in the floor. I walk myself through the years, not one bit surprised I can remember it so well. after all, I lived it. I don't know what this does for me, this memory walk that I do, but I do it anyway.  in this walk my parents are young, much younger than I am now. We are all strong, healthy and idealist. happy. in my heart I hold those memories. the nostalgia. 

I miss it.

oh yeah, that's where I was going.

Mom's applesauce cake
(go here for recipe)