listening to grass grow

Summer is just around the corner baby, and she makes everything better. We're still half and half, but every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of things to come. when spring behaves. And now? I want more. There's just something about the air turning warmer, the light staying longer, and everything coming into bloom that makes me want to get out and stir around, maybe do a little fluffing in my garden. it awakens me.  all that gushing beauty gets my pulse racing. makes me feel, better. it helps me to rip reality apart and to reassemble it into a meaningful pattern. one that makes sense to me. I like that. I like to say I live that.

I like to start each day by taking a moment to marvel at all the gifts I have been given. I love this quote by George Eliot, "If we had keen vision and feeling for all ordinary human life it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of the roar which lies on the other side of silence." I recite this passage almost daily. think about it on my morning walk. in the shower. at the end of a crazy day. And I think about it, especially after such a what-le-heck month.

Sometimes when things are good, I mean really good, I try to understand, I question it as much as I do when the opposite is true. It may just be my way to balance things out. keep my karma in sync. align the stars in my little world. or it could just be a natural reaction to heartache.  Do I only deserve to be happy if I pay my sad dues. Do good times come with a limited shelf life? I seek to understand the presence of good just as much as bad. There have been times when I have felt, without a doubt,  that happiness, blue skies and good fortune need a disclaimer. May is going to be a really good month, because March and April really sucked. Like it's only deserved if it's been well balanced with hard times, a lot of effort or heartache in the past.

I may be overly superstitious,  and to be totally honest, in some of my most contented periods in life when everything has been so close to perfect, I've actually wondered...are the bad times just around the bend? Is the piper waiting for his due? Could there be a point when it dawns on you that things were just too damn good. or is that just crazy talk? Over the years, my perspective on the natural order of things has changed. I know that the universe does not dish out bad and good equally. or even by what's fair. I also know I don't deserve bad anymore than I deserve good. I am of the belief though that some truths are universal, that good begets good, I also know that beyond a shadow of a doubt life comes with challenges, sad days, and heartache. Through all of it, I will listen to hear the grass grow. quiet my mind to the sound of a squirrel's heart beating. I will center myself in the right now, this moment, and not disclaim my feelings. or all the gifts life offers.

I've spent the last two months wondering where I went. and if I could ever crawl back out. Can it seriously be as easy as a sunbeam and a warm breeze? I reassure myself that I'm not that kind of girl, the kind that requires coddling. the girl whose joy is situational. or seasonal. Straight up, dude, I've never done a single thing to deserve this kind of happiness. or this kind of sadness. Still, I can appreciate the precious gift of a Summerlike day smack dab in the middle of spring. blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and sunshine help. they just do.

 So today I am starting to feel it. I wish I could say  I felt it in March, but that just isn't true. It has been buried under all the layers, suffocating, making it hard to breath. Maybe loving life and embracing experiences in a tearing-apart-reality kind of way is akin to the tree that falls in the forest, do we only make a sound if someone is there to hear. can we only fall when someone is there to catch us. Is it only good if we're wildly looking for opportunities that will make us more sensually aware? To feel the heat of the sun and make note of its healing powers, to memorize the sound of laughter. to acknowledge how deep pain can be and fully feel the hurt. all the more reason to... 
suck. the. marrow. out. of. life. That's right.

Let's just get this over with. I saw something in my garden. I know, right? I can't really explain it without doing exactly what I don't want to do which is deny the awesomeness of the experience with some unfortunate fact like I have not been getting enough sleep. the wind whipped my hair across my eyes so I could not see. my mind is playing tricks on me. I am seeing what I want to believe. See I just did it. And actually, I'm not even sure if any of that is true. I am not sleep deprived. the wind only made my hair gracefully flutter across my cheek. my mind is fine. I believe. okay. I'm owning it.

And this is the kind of thing I want to believe. to tell everyone to balance the good with the bad against this more powerful, more valuable sense of wonder and imagination.

It helps me see. It changes me.

  peace.

Pistachio-Citrus Pound Cake

(go here for recipe)