and so this is Christmas.
And so it is almost Christmas and apparently, I am the last to know. I am calling in favors to make Christmas magic happen. I realize it's another week until it's official, but we all know Christmas season does not much mind the calendar. I have even taken to mustering up stashed away spirit from last year, evidently there was spirit to spare. Also tapping the reserves. pulling out aces that fell in holes. yet, somehow I am still waiting. For glittery Santa's. chubby snowmen. impossibly tiny lighted villages. Christmas music. shiny vintage bulbs. sparkly lights. the scent of pine and cinnamon. the joy that fills the house, creeping into every corner. still waiting...for the jolly. and the merry.
I feel compelled to give more during this season. I am hoping to be compelled further in February, June, September. I want to keep wearing it, never take it off. Shift my thinking to this way of truth and call it my own. Surrender to the everyday love that changes all. Make it a way of life. At times I have let the minutes, hours and days box me in. Control me. Giving me an unhealthy relationship with time. Ebb and flow. living in the moment. yet time is elusive. it slips away. I am learning patience. trying to get cozy in it. practicing the art of living the best life I can, maybe it will be even better after another year of practice.
Christmas seems different this year. For the first time, I find myself digging it out of the boxes with the ornaments and tinsel. Looking for it among the snowmen and stockings. Usually I already have it on...like a favorite sweater. I have it spilling out of everywhere. Until, everything started to change. I kinda feel discombobulated and out of sorts. Sure, it is still exciting, but now also uncertain. It does not all make sense yet, and I find myself still wondering about things. things untold, and as of yet, unknown. Still trying to get my head around it. I do know for sure that it is deep. That there is a happy/heartachey kind of feel to the season. Should not all of the preparing and anticipation last longer than a month. Should giving and gratitude not have a limitless shelf life? Be never ending? Everlasting and all that. This is not breaking news people, but what Christmas really is, what it was meant to be all along.
And call me childish, but I am borderline pouting about the snow situation this year. Bare grass. mud. rain. not acceptable. I am doing the best I can with what I have. Snowflakes strung everywhere, but I'm hankering for the real thing. It's not just that I'm fond of it, but snow seems to be winter's commitment and I have come to expect it...look forward to it even. A fresh swooooosh of powder and abra cadabra, instant magic. delivered right to your front door. At the risk of repeating myself, I love the way everything looks covered in white...so quiet and elegant. Everything bare and gloomy suddenly gone festive. How the world lights up and sparkles. Dude, the shiny bouncing off the snow can throw off some serious twinkle! Makes it dazzling. like pixie dust and glitter. The simplicity of this decorating plan is pure genius.
My plan this year is to not be left with that sinking Christmas is over feeling. I want the "peace on earth, good will to men" feeling to go on...f-o-r-e-v-e-r! I will let the little things go. I will look at more twinkly lights. Sing carols at the top of my lungs. Put aside my obsession about buying the "perfect" gifts. Give more hugs. make fewer lists. paint my nails red. spend more time with loved ones. clean less. help others and ask for help if I need it. Eat less cookies and more veggies. Spend less time in the kitchen and more time at the table. Be kind to others and to myself. Fix my heart on things that don't come wrapped up in pretty paper and bows. To remember, all year long, the real reason. And to be grateful, truly grateful.
I am still throwing around the bling. Dipping everything in chocolate and wishing everyone a Merry. Decking the halls, but hoping what will shine through, what will be seen is love, hope and joy. A place where I am reminded of the truth, in a world that truly is beautiful. In a life that truly is blessed. It may look a bit different, seem a tad strange...yet my heart continues to melt and my hopes are molded around the reflection of my journey in the way that I live and love. and so, this is Christmas.