that old familiar feeling...

And just like that, fall is upon us~how is that is it November already? As of late, my efforts to be outside have been heroic, if not entirely successful. Saturday morning I looked out my window, gazed upon the sunny gloriousness and I was seduced, totally convinced that I must be out there soaking up enough rays to warrant requisite not-too-much-later-in-life botox treatments. so, under this obligatory coercion, I finally propelled my butt out of the house to be one with see, I've been facing a drama head on for a couple of months and decided that I might like to dapple in denial instead. just for a day or two. My plan? my plan was to pretend that I did not have a three page to-do list, feign sunny optimism and ignore the frantic feelings that were beginning to churn in my gut and run rampant right beneath my surface. So, I did what any self-respecting girl facing a mini breakdown would do if she were in my shoes...planned a day trip. one hour south, a Barn full of Christmas and a winery! makes sense to moi, no? I mean isn't that what everybody does  when life gets kinda funky.

Saturday afternoon had me pretending that it was not as cool as it was, that I didn't need a bulky sweater, scarf and mittens to sit in a pasture and enjoy a bottle glass of wine. that I wasn't feeling all mushy and nostalgic as we sat and watched  Fall come swooping in. hundreds of brilliantly colored leaves fluttered around us in the cool air like little bits of papery magic. one landed on my shoulder and I marveled at the brilliant colors, the amazing patterns. there were horses in a field. chickens. a donkey named Hobart (he was not home) and a cat named Lafayette, unfortunately, she ran away before we were properly introduced. we watched her work the crowd, flouncing from table to table, she was shameless in her begging and quest for attention.

And then, as always, there was the matter of finding my groove.  I tend to obsess over  stuff, you know me, I like things in neat packages, it is comforting to me to know what to expect, oh, I love surprises and adventures as much as the next guy, I just don't like having the rug pulled out from under me. and sudden, drastic life changes rivals all of the above.  As does things out of my control. Even if it's just a part of the whole process.  Even if I've known this the better part of forever. even if I try to roll with the punches. Still and all. Things happen.

One of my biggest snafus? Not living in the moment enough. this is particularly clear when the moments are gone. captured only in photos and my selective memory. yet, even with these I wish I could remember certain things...what we ate, what we talked about, how we sounded, what was the mood like. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing, shopping, lunch, glass of wine, home. I wish I had cherished the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Certain things I'm still getting used to, having spent many years doing  the whole long distance thing, it is pretty cool to have most of my gene pool so close by. within spitting distance. an arms reach. right in my hood. There was always such an all or nothing quality to being so far-flung. But now, now life is pretty rich on the spontaneous! So I'm living more in the moment, and when I add up my tangible accomplishments as of late, not so much. in fact just about zero. but I'm digging it, I'm busy attending to important matters. My closet's a disaster. My garden is a scandal! Don't even think about opening my fridge.  Because after all, Life won't wait. we were recently given an extra hour. seriously? I savored it. pissed it away. I'm hoping to double down on my free time, my fun days, suddenly I'm aware that they come with an expiration date.  I'm reveling in quiet afternoons talking to goats, willing the peaceful times to keep coming. I might nearly have let this season pass without enjoying it for what it is, had I not spied the shiny peeking in. watched it strutting about my kitchen all sassy like. I'm so glad I remembered, just in the nick of time. It's deceptively simple, sunshine, good company, a whole day of happy, sparkles, and twinkly.  Add that we laughed, a lot, made it a day I won't soon forget. for a long time. maybe, never.

And, I collected more memories than I can count. Rare is the outing that doesn't end with a fistful of photos. A reasonable person would take a few photos and be done with it. I am not that person.  Perhaps because there were years when I had none. I'm making up for lost time. It bears repeating. often. live in the moment, and take tons of photos.

In the moment. Humph. Do you or don't you?  Me, I'm of two minds on the matter.
I definitely try to.  live in the moment. Sometimes, it seems I have to try rather more than I ought to. And then I have some serious explaining to do to myself. catching up if you will. is it merely a case of enjoying life or is it a question of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? This is not to say it comes easily, but when I make up my mind, I jump in feet first. I'm on a roll. Finally find my groove and sort of move into it. this keeps me busy. out of trouble. out of my head where things tend to wander a bit at times. where I should not always go. keeping me up well past my bedtime. my head barely above water. Then of course, there is the small matter of borrowing trouble. getting ahead of myself. even though I know, I really do know, that these are roads better left untraveled.

 and something more.

I've been having those feelings again. Those feelings where I can’t pay attention to any one thing for long. you know how it goes, I’m there, but I’m not. The thoughts in my head are louder than any real voices I hear around me. When I feel this way, I need to be alone. the truth is, time alone, finding a place to escape has always been important to me. As a child I would hide in closets, the attic, behind the couch, climb a tree. anywhere to be by myself. hide away. regroup. refresh my spirit. that's how it was on Tuesday. windows flung open to capture every last bit of magic. an early picnic lunch by a  lake, an afternoon making Apple Crostata and singing along with Bon Jovi, now there's a guy who really knows how to show a girl a good time. 

there's a chance of snow on Friday, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


 Apple Crostata (Adapted from Ina Garten)

(click here for recipe)



  1. Anonymous11/10/2011

    now you have me all nostalgic, wanting to wax and wane the afternoon away. living in the moment...always. love, j


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